Back to School and My Own Growing Up

About this time of year in times past I have often felt as though there must be something horribly wrong with me.  Because while the majority of my friends/sisters/strangers in passing were wiping tears from their eyes as they sent children off to school, I was having a mini celebration inside my brain while I thought of all the things I would be able to get accomplished with them gone for a few hours!  While they would chat in church, at the park, or on blogs about the morose heartbreak of sending their precious ones back to what must have felt to them as the formidable Den of Lions, my emotions tended to be better described in words like joyfulness, excitement, relief, elation!  As I would observe this apparent supreme devotion to offspring, I would think to myself, "What is WRONG with me??  Am I a horrible mother?  I clearly must be as rotten as they come.  I evidently don't love my children as much as these women love theirs.  Heavens, with this much sadness emoting from their bosoms at the very memory of parting with their beloved babies, these women probably love my children more than I do!  I'm not just a bad mother.  I'm an awful, awful human being!"  And then I would go clean something, or exercise, or take a shower without interruption, or maybe even do something crafty for 30 minutes...and enjoy every second of it.  Unconscionable bliss, laced with nagging shame at my brazen selfishness. 

Interestingly, back to school time no longer produces such feelings.  Because over the years I have come to realize something.  All of that?  It's hogwash. Furthermore, these thoughts were not really originating from that deeply rooted home inside my soul from whence my usual mother guilt emerges.  In fact, I didn't really feel guilty at all.  I know how much I love my children and I know there is no other mom who can love them the way I do.  I know I am doing the best I can and that even though my best is no where near perfect, it is enough.  I don't feel bad for looking forward to a few hours of less noise and more time to keep up with the demands of running a household and raising a family.  So what was it that bothered me so much?  What was it about the mothering style of these other women that seemed to make me question my own adequacy?  I eventually realized that these thoughts were surfacing because of what I perceived the other moms to be thinking of me.  I was assuming that these women were noticing my lack of sadness at sending my boys off to school and that they were judging me for it.  I was sure they interpreted my seeming ambivalence to not having my children near me at all times as a sign they would soon see me on the nightly news as the neglectful mom who left her kid in the car to go get a pedicure.  It was an insecurity based on exactly nothing concrete, a mere mirage of skewed perspective.  What silliness to not only assume my friends and co-mothers-in-arms were making such judgments of my mommy inclinations, but to concern myself so much with how I was perceived by them.  

One thing I have loved about "growing up" in my motherhood is how with each year that passes, I care less and less about the things that just don't matter.  Like how adept my parenting skills seem to others, or what Mrs.{blank} will think if I do/say/think this or that.  I have five children.  Five boys.  No one else knows what sort of dynamics are at play in our family life.  No one else knows the struggles and successes that we have on a daily basis.  It isn't about what anyone else thinks or opines when observing us.  What matters is simply us.  I begin and end each day on my knees.  With every new set of 24 hours I cheer, correct, praise, work, play, scold, snuggle, discipline, comfort, and cry.  The only other person who really knows my mother heart is God.  And though He is the only one capable and worthy to judge me, I have never felt the bitterness of reproof from Him.  What I do feel on a daily, even hourly basis is His mercy.  His patience, His guidance, His forgiveness.  That is what really matters. 

And so, these days when back-to-school time prompts the plethoric posts on Facebook and Instagram containing the familiar sentiments of losing children to the awful malaise of another school year (and incidentally of quieter houses and increased productivity... Seriously, where is the gloom in that?), I primarily feel appreciation for the differences in personality and style, even adoration for the diversity of temperaments among my fellow moms.  Isn't it wonderful that we each have unique ways of loving, caring, and nurturing these choice children over whom we have been given stewardship?  Heavenly Father sure knows what He is doing.  And I am so grateful to know this.  Because otherwise I would still be wallowing in the mire of comparison and shame whilst throwing a party on the canal trail with my running shoes and ear buds. 

Oh yeah, and my two babies.  Because real freedom isn't actually for about another five years;). 

Mom's First Day of School Schedule:

6:00 a.m.--- Arise.  This is not a big deal.  Repeat positive affirmations as you make your way to the kitchen.

6:10 a.m.--- Make breakfast for self.  Quick.  You have about 10 minutes to eat food and drink 24 oz. of water.

6:30 a.m.--- Make breakfast for #1.  Include protein. 

7:00 a.m.--- Don't even attempt to follow him around with the camera.  Pray with him and say goodbye.  Beg for just a couple pictures as he leaves.

7:10 a.m.--- Make lunches. Include a love note. 

7:30 a.m.--- Make breakfast for #2 and #3. Include protein...  

...and fat.

7:45-8:15 a.m.--- Help boys get ready. Make sure hair looks normal, check for under the nail yuckiness, make sure they picked socks that don't stink. Follow around with camera and be as lovably irritating as possible.

8:15 a.m.--- Morning Devotional: hymn at the piano, scripture story, family prayer.

8:30 a.m.--- Snap a few more pictures.  Say goodbye... 

Hug tight...

   Look-them-in-the-eye I love you's.  

8:35 a.m.--- Don't forget the babies:)

Summertime Highlights 2014

          Two more weeks.  That is all that is left of our summer break.  The boys are beginning to lose their buoyancy, replacing cheerful adventurism with gradually deflating spirits as the school year looms ever closer.  I don't understand this trepidation.  When I was growing up, this time of year brought a heightened excitement akin to the coming of Christmas.  I LOVED school.  So much.  Yes, I loved learning.  But I also loved the predictability, the structure, the immediate validation when I did well, the bulletin boards, the calendars, the smell of the lunch room, the inspirational quotes on the walls, the pencil dispensers, the scratch and sniff stickers, watching my teacher's mouth move when she'd talk (especially if she got lipstick on her teeth--fascinating)...basically everything about being at school.  Even now, I anticipate with bated glee the arrival of school supplies at Walmart just so I can enjoy the feel and smell of newly sharpened pencils and fresh composition notebooks.  Mmmm. 

       Not so much for the other strange creatures I live with.  The excitement is not shared. 

          With only a few treasured days left before the dreaded {and glorious} return of routine, I thought it might be time to finally post a few picture highlights.

Father's Day

(The fun goes away when mom forces the "group shot".)

LOTS of outdoor play:)

Joseph tried baseball for the first time.  

Not a fan of the standing around, not moving part (or forgetting his glove).

Or the underestimation of these kids' self-esteem!  If after about 10 swings you didn't connect with the ball, you were told to run to the base anyway. Joseph was totally bugged.  So was I.  Because now he hates baseball:(.

Crane Family Reunion in Logan

Sunday evening family time. 

Lagoon excursion.  Seeing faces like this throughout the day made the heat and lines and headaches so completely worth it:).

Quiet days at home.

A day with cousins at BYU.  (Monte L. Bean Museum. I highly recommend it.  Remodeled, updated...a total hit with the kids).

Striking up goofy dialogue with a white wolf.

Family Home Evenings, outside.  
One of my personal favorites of summer time. 

Sad and entertaining fate of the tower build on sand.  Foolish builders:).

Growing adorableness.

Oh, that squooshiness!

A little swimming.

I finally was able to take the boys swimming for the first time this summer (it takes quite a bit of planning and a little serendipity with two babies at home, it turns out) and brought the long lense so that I could take pictures from a distance without embarrassing them.  However, Ashton decided it was still too mortifying so he made Joseph join him in hiding from the camera whenever he spotted it, resulting in my failure to get a good shot.  Unfortunately for him, this failure also forced him to be reeeally, ultra embarrassed while I made them pose for a picture up close...he he!  I don't think he'll be playing that game in the future:). 

Water fun with Grandma and Grandpa.  I really think he'd prefer they just live here.  

Also, this is happening.  

The beautiful apple orchard across from our home is turning into a new 42 home community.  I am sad in some ways, like when I see the poor deer that used to graze here wander through as if to wonder where they will go now.  And to have the quietness disrupted by the sound of construction machines and trucks.  But, it is also a little exciting to soon welcome in so many new neighbors.  I'm ready for that change.  And this little guy sure thinks its awesome.  He will sit here for many minutes at a time just watching and observing, mesmerized by the noises and movement of all the trucks and equipment.  

It's pretty adorable:). 

          Back in May as the school year came to a close, with a brand new baby and a two year old I was slightly worried about the success of the impending three months.  However, our summer was unexpectedly good.  To save my sanity, I did incorporate some structure, though in a looser form than previous years.  But we really didn't plan a whole lot.  It was very low key.  Our lone "vacation" was a family reunion two hours away.  And to my children's astonishment, our summer was still fun!  I did far less managing of their activities and encouraged them to find things to do without my usual scheduling.  We had a general standard of only two hours of screen time a day, which they had to earn by completing their five responsibilities for the day (chores, reading, piano, learning time, and exercise).  Also, they were expected to be outside for the majority of the day.  But that was about the extent of my involvement of their daily activities.  Consequently, they rode their bikes/rip sticks/scooters a lot, played at the school and with friends a lot, played their sports a lot, and messed around in the yard a lot.  And it turned out to be pretty great:).

          I think maybe it's a little impossible for this season to not be.