Come What May

Fall is finally in full splendor in our little corner of the earth, and it is simply breathtaking.  I love that everywhere I turn there is some shimmer of crimson brilliance or glimmer of gold on black to force me to pause and admire and reflect.  Lately, all I really get is a pause, a moment, an exiguous breath of time.  Sometimes it can be slightly torturous, as I gaze longingly up at the canyon I live below, all ablaze with autumn chroma, and think to myself as I drive home from Walmart with a trunk full of groceries that will require yet another burst of energy to unload and shelve, how much I would love to be hiking in it all.  In those subsequent seconds I attempt to contrive a plan wherein to make such an activity possible, but realize quickly that such an ambition will have to wait.  And wait.  And wait still, until I notice a week later that the canyon colors have now faded and my chance to tangibly bask in the bounty of fall has passed for another year.  Bummer.

I've been thinking a lot lately about disappointments.  They have sort of been in the forefront of my family's life as this house full of BYU fanatics fans has had to deal with the consequences of losing our starting quarterback to a season ending injury during a devastating loss to Utah State.  My men haven't exactly fully recovered from that, especially as they continue to watch BYU fail to pull out of a game with a win.  

In fact, it seems we have experienced a number of let downs these past few weeks.  Boy #1 didn't make the 'A' team for basketball this season, despite weeks of early morning workouts and drills at the church.  Boy #2's tackle football team failed to move past the first round of the playoffs.  A much anticipated weekend trip to St. George for two of the boys was abruptly cancelled.  A trip to Park City for Fall break didn't work out, nor did a separate trip to Boise.  The list could go on, including both substantial and small impasses.  

But here's what I've been pondering.  As I write this, not a single one of the incidents I can recall has had lasting impact.  However, to the recipient (I had my fair share as well), each one as it occurred seemed to be nearly world ending, in the moment.  With each new set back it seemed that all the really great things that were also happening in our lives were entirely overlooked.  How irritating that must be to anyone looking objectively on as we whine and complain and throw whatever form of tantrum our age and maturity gives allowance for because BYU lost another game, or an Alpine Slide adventure didn't work out! 

It's all about perspective.

Let's consider a few words from people who have a little of that:

 "Anyone that imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.  The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.  Life is like an old time journey ... delays, side tracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas, and thrilling bursts of speed.  The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

(written by a journalist named Jenkin Lloyd Jones, and quoted by 

  Elder Gordon B. Hinckley in a talk at BYU in 1973.) 

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.  It all works out.  Don't worry.  I say that to myself every morning.  It will all work out.  If you do your best, it will all work out.  Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future.  The Lord will not forsake us.  He will not forsake us, . . . if we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."  

(President Gordon B. Hinckley)

  “My wife, a nurse, says that when we are hooked to a heart monitor we don’t want to see a straight line.  It’s the ups and downs that mean we’re alive.  In the same way, our highs and lows are evidence that we are living, learning, and growing emotionally.”

 (Brad Wilcox, from his book:  Growing Up,  p. 26)

  

"Adaptability cushions the impact of change or disappointment."

(Marvin J. Ashton, "Who's Losing?" Ensign, Nov. 1974, 41)

 "Without our individual refining, therefore, life would become merely a pass-through, audited course--not a course for credit.  Only in the latter arrangement can our experiences and our performances be sanctified for our own everlasting good (see 2 Nephi 32:9).  Mortality therefore is not a convenient, suburban, drive-around beltway with a view.  Instead it passes slowly through life's inner city.  Daily it involves real perspiration, real perplexity, real choosing, real suffering--and real refining!"

(Neal A. Maxwell  "If Thou Endure It Well," [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1996], p. 8)

Wise words indeed.

After a few particularly disheartening blows during our Fall Break when one of the most looked forward to activities we had planned fell through, I finally had to gather my boys around me and give them a choice. I informed them that I was just as frustrated and disappointed as they were (believe me) and that we could either perambulate around the house annoyed and upset and make sure the rest of the day was a complete downer...or  we could try to make the best of our new situation and find an alternate activity that could also be fun.  Probably not as fun, let's be real.  But still fun.

Presented to them that way, none of them thought that wallowing in self pity seemed like a desirable way to spend the day.  So we adapted. And had fun.  And life went on!

Isn't it amazing how that works?

 Fall Break, THURSDAY

Provo Beach Resort

The boys handled this ropes course with ease and adroitness. No surprise.

Child's play for this troop...

Um...me, on the other hand??  

 Yeah.  I'm slightly acrophobic.

At least I tried, right?  Someday I'll get over this:(.

On to more fun at PBR...

This face <3

 And this <3

And THIS <3

FRIDAY:

Living Planet Aquarium 

And... I now want a pet penguin.

Scenes like this make me wish I were a photographer.

Pre-picture coercion ... Their faaavorite.

Talmage has limits to his generosity;).

Oh, the onlookers to this pose.  I suppose we are a bit of a sight when we go out in public.  

And SATURDAY:

BYU football game!!

Let's just focus on the happy parts of this outing:).

 Like this awesome daddy scoring 3rd quarter Press Box seats with Greg Wrubell!!

They even brought in {another} Cougar Tail for the boys:). 

As previously alluded to, one of the reasons I love Fall is  because of the way it compels me to decrease my tempo a tiny bit and admire the magnificence that surrounds me. This simple practice also happens to ameliorate the current stresses of the day and helps me to see my life in a more appreciative manner.  On an inconvenient errand with two babies, as I close my eyes to take an extra long breath while passing under a golden umbrella of willow tree leaves , I also remember the happy things that made me smile that morning.  Singing a hymn at the piano with my school kids trying not to visibly cringe at their adorable tone deaf enthusiasm. Playing peek-a-boo with my giggling chubster while diapering a doozer.  Snuggle reading in the corner spot of the couch, cheek to cheek with my maple syrup scented toddler.  Yes, the kids were late for school and that will probably reflect badly on me.  Yes, Emery spilled milk all over the counter, stool, and floor beneath and I had to endure the feel and smell of milk-on-rag as I cleaned it up (anyone else have major olfactory issues with milk?).  Yes, our babysitting arrangements fell through and date night will have to be postponed.  Again.  

But my goodness.  What sort of joy would I miss out on if I allowed myself to dwell in the negativity of such momentary defeats?

And so I am trying to help my family do a little less lingering on the hang ups and a little more loving and laughing as we embrace the little moments that make us grateful.  The ones we miss if we are out of focus or moving too fast.

Because they are plentiful...

Nothing better than Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread... 

...for breakfast:).

Seriously my favorite thing in the world, this.

These guys can't get enough of frisbee for some reason.

Whatever its appeal, I love that they do it together.  Voluntarily!

And this one with the sand...look at that guilty face:).

Cute Joseph got a little of my genes...he practices just for fun.  Love!

Then there is this little cherub.

So, I missed hiking up the canyon this year.  Oh well.  Because I sure got to experience a whole lot of other October happiness:). 

 "I remember one day after my football team lost a tough game, I came home feeling discouraged. My mother was there. She listened to my sad story. She taught her children to trust in themselves and each other, not blame others for their misfortunes, and give their best effort in everything they attempted.  When we fell down, she expected us to pick ourselves up and get going again. So the advice my mother gave to me then wasn’t altogether unexpected. It has stayed with me all my life.  'Joseph,' she said, 'come what may, and love it.'  I have often reflected on that counsel.  I think she may have meant that every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result."  

{Joseph B. Worthlin}

Come What May, and Love It. October 2008

Protect them from Evil

Boys.  I say this with all the love in my heart: They are awesome, they really are.  But sometimes I just have to close my eyes and breathe deeply in and out for a few moments.  And occasionally even this attempt at gaining composure and perspective results in an unpleasant experience, depending on if the child nearest me has applied deodorant that day or is currently wearing socks.  I’ve been surrounded by the young male gender for many years now, yet it still astounds me how gross they can be!  I mean, must there be so much burping?  Can we just declare a winner and be satisfied with the status quo for the next, say… fifteen years?  Last week, for example, Joseph (7) came in the door from school and excitedly announced that he had won his burping contest at school that day.  Um…What?.  You poor, sweet teachers.  I am so sorry. 

I know.  I have my work cut out for me. 

But you know what?  I would take burping and boogers and rancid football gear left in the back of the van any day over what is trying to slither its insipid way into our home and into my boys’ lives on a regular basis.  Let’s talk about that infernal monster for minute.

Yup. Pornography. 

Yuck.

Former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gordon B. Hinckley, characterized it well as “a raging storm, destroying individuals and families, utterly ruining what was once wholesome and beautiful.”

I can attest to the absolute accuracy of this description. And because of what I have experienced firsthand, I feel it my responsibility to make sure our boys are protected from pornography’s venomous tentacles.  So we've got the tight filters, strict screen time rules, and frequent porn speeches down.  However, our greatest duty, that which will produce the highest rate of success, is to teach these boys to protect themselves.  This is a much more involved task.

It is something that I think about nearly every day.  What insidious images have seeped into their brains today?  How did they respond? How will they know what to do?  If they know what to do, are they doing it?

A few weeks ago I decided that for the next five months I would dedicate one Sunday of the month to fasting for each of my children in turn.  I would go a full 24 hours without food or water and focus my thoughts and prayers on the child I was fasting for.  I had never approached my fasts this way before.  I’m not sure why, after almost fourteen years of being a mother, I only recently discovered such an invaluable spiritual tool to help me increase my potential and performance as a parent, but I am grateful I did.  I was astounded at the results.  My ten year old son was the first fasting recipient, and not only did I receive specific guidance just for him, but I felt a closeness to and love for him that I believe could not have come any other way.  It was truly an illuminating experience, one of my most meaningful and remarkable fasts to date.

But something startling came of this fast.  I felt a strong impression to ask my son in a very direct but loving manner about his personal exposure to pornography.  We have already had several discussion with our oldest son regarding this topic and I had just assumed we wouldn't need to talk about this with our second boy for a while still.  I guess I was wrong.  I had to ask the question in a way that presupposed his already having had at least one encounter.  I was nervous to pose the question in such a way.  I did not want him to feel like I was accusing him of something naughty.  That’s never a good way to open up a child’s heart.  But what I was truly frightened of was what he might reveal to me.  I was not sure I was ready to hear it. 

For lack of the right moment, it took a little over a week for me to follow through with my prompting, but I finally did.  What I learned broke my heart.  My sweet boy had done nothing wrong, but he shared with me several experiences he has inadvertently had with pornography and the affect that those disturbing moments had on him.  He tried to explain, with his limited understanding of the feelings he had and the thoughts that came to his mind, how awful and ashamed it all made him feel. As he spoke, I felt a wave of emotions come over me and tears beginning to well up in my eyes.  As I listened to his words and gazed at his innocent face, all I could see was the two year old version of my little boy, looking up at me with sparkling but frustrated eyes trying to produce the right sounds to communicate what he needed help with.  But instead of wanting me to open a box of crackers or to sit down and do a puzzle with him, he now sat before me yearning for a way to forget forever the salacious, nasty images that made him feel ugly inside.  I could feel a sensation of angry heat boiling up in my chest and a strangely compelling urge to start throwing things.  Heavy things.  How could this already be happening??  Why do we have to deal with such filth, such cesspool lurking muck?

But there it was.  Reality. Staring me right in the face.  And again, I was reminded of my heavy responsibility to shield, protect, and most importantly teach my boy.  So I had to be strong.  We talked for a few minutes about what he had done right when he came across the pornography.  We also talked about things he should do differently the next time it happens (like turn off the screen and come and tell mom!).  It was a loving discussion, no hint of shame or ridicule, which I knew was crucial.  But gosh, was that a hard conversation. 

Later that evening, Seth and I discussed what actions ought to be taken next to better help and teach our son.  As one can imagine, this experience has been on my mind rather constantly since then.

I have concluded that there are two basic concepts that must be focused on in order to better teach our children to protect themselves against the tragic and damaging effects of this pernicious evil.

In the April LDS General Conference of this year, Elder Randall L. Ridd of the Seventy gave a talk entitled, “The Choice Generation.”  Quite honestly, I believe this talk is one of the most important of our time regarding raising children in today’s world.  Every sentence is gold.  Here’s one particularly shiny paragraph:

“You are growing up with one of the greatest tools for good in the history of man: the Internet. With it comes an elaborate buffet of choices. The abundance of choice, however, carries with it an equal portion of accountability. It facilitates your access to both the very best and the very worst the world has to offer. With it you can accomplish great things in a short period of time, or you can get caught up in endless loops of triviality that waste your time and degrade your potential. With the click of a button, you can access whatever your heart desires. That’s the key—what does your heart desire? What do you gravitate toward? Where will your desires lead?" ( www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/the-choice-generation?lang=eng )

In another stellar talk on this topic in the same General Conference, Sister Linda S. Reeves said this: 

“Brothers and sisters, how do we protect our children and youth? Filters are useful tools, but the greatest filter in the world, the only one that will ultimately work, is the personal internal filter that comes from a deep and abiding testimony of our Heavenly Father’s love and our Savior’s atoning sacrifice for each one of us.” ( www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/protection-from-pornography-a-christ-focused-home?lang=eng )

There it is.  That is what we need to teach.

Desire and testimony.

The two go hand in hand, really. When one has a “deep and abiding testimony”, it becomes instinctive to shun evil, to only desire that which is uplifting and edifying.  What better protection against pornography can there be?

To illustrate:

The other day I was taking a rare opportunity in the car to listen to talk radio, one of my great loves in life.  I was lucky that drive to only have one other contender in the car with me and he graciously yielded five minutes of time sans Selena Gomez.  So I tuned into Rod Arquette. Unfortunately, the few minutes I got to hear did not include any commentary on important things going on in the world and instead consisted of a brief banter with a female co-anchor about their personal frequency of junk food intake.  Humorously discussing which foods they know are dangerous to have around because it will result in the consumption of the entire bag, or box, or carton,  they each gave examples of when they have, in fact, eaten a whole bag of chips, or carton of ice cream, or family pack of M&M's.  They spoke of these events in such a casual way as to give every indication that this kind of activity is something that everybody has done at least a few times in their life, if not on a fairly regular basis, depending on the frequency of the temptation.  For some reason, this left me in momentary amazement.  Really??  After hearing this, I said out loud to my cute passenger, with a hint of exasperation, "I have never done that in my entire life.  Ever."  As I said this, I felt something almost shameful and apologetic, as though there must be something wrong with me because I had not done what it seemed everybody alive has participated in before.  There followed for me an unexpected topic of mental introspection that served to occupy my thoughts for at least the duration of my dinner preparations once we got home. 

I determined that the reason I had never engaged in such occasional binge eating, besides that I might just be one of the most uninteresting, risk averse persons around, is because for me it is just not worth it.  (I am certain I am not the only one for whom this applies!) 

At the risk of sounding self-congratulatory, I will explain that for all of my adult life I have made healthy living a priority.  Because it is something that I value highly, I am very careful to make sure my body receives the proper nutrients and exercise it needs to remain strong.  I don’t like the feeling of being dependent upon anything that goes into my body, so I intentionally avoid any food or substance that might become addictive.  This isn’t to say I don’t have my share of temptations (marshmallows, chocolate…Oh, and those pumpkin flavored white chocolate covered nuts from Costco? Those are just mean).  And this also doesn’t mean I never allow myself small indulgences every now and then.  But there often comes a moment of decision when I can look at an offering before me, evaluate the consequences and what really matters to me…what I truly desire…and walk away.  Do I want that giant piece of chocolate molten cake? For.  Sure.  Is it worth having a massive headache all night and two days of feeling yucky as my body attempts to cleanse itself from the damaging effects of my latest indulgence?  Not even close. What I really want is to be able to wake up in the morning with energy and strength and the ability to properly care for my family.

Desire is the key.

The other important element of my illustration relates to what I know about my body and how it responds to certain foods and exercise based on years of observation, testing, and experience.  My knowledge of my own body and what it can tolerate is the driving force in the decisions I make regarding my health.  I know that if I eat a high amount of sugar in one sitting, I receive a swift physical reprimand in the form of a dull and painful headache for hours after.  I know that if my GI tract has to digest a high amount of fat in addition to sugar, my stomach feels sluggish and uncomfortable for at least 24 hours.  I know that my metabolism is no longer that of a teenager and that this momentary carnal satiety will require days worth of extra exercise and dietary discipline to reverse.  I also know the psychological effects these foods have on me, creating feelings of guilt and regret and slight depression because I just allowed myself to "fail", as it were.  If I did not have this basis of knowledge for decision making, my body composition, indeed my life itself, would be completely different.  

Perhaps we can compare this to one's knowledge that there truly is a God in Heaven who looks down on every action and who knows every thought, that living gospel principles brings happiness, and that the peace that righteous living provides far surpasses any lustful indulgence we might momentarily desire.

Testimony makes all the difference.

Obviously, my little food/health example is not a perfect analogy, but the concepts are basically sound.  If my husband and I can teach our children how to “educate their desires," as Elder Maxwell has put it*, and help them acquire and strengthen “deep and abiding testimonies," then our boys will be okay.  They will be safe.  They will want to choose the light of the Spirit instead of the darkness that lurks in the counterfeit glow of a computer screen.  They will want the joyful and satisfying life that awaits them in choosing goodness over the empty desperation of life-sapping addiction. With testimony of truth and desire for righteousness, there is a great measure of hope before us all. 

And that is what is really needed right now to drown out the darkness of the world.

More light, more goodness, more hope. 

These sweet boys deserve the protection we can offer as parents.  

They need it, they long for it.

But we will only be here to offer it for so long.

And then it is up to them.

Will they turn off the screen?  Will they flee the room?  Will they pray and read and sing until the bad goes away?

Oh, how I pray they will.

* “What we insistently desire, over time, is what we will eventually become and what we will receive in eternity. …Only by educating and training our desires can they become our allies instead of our enemies!” (“According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts,” Ensign, Nov. 1996, 21, 22).