Oh, fudge.

Every now and then, I do something really stupid.  The kind of stupid that might make one wonder if there needs to be an intervention in the near future.  Most of the time, I'm okay with these periodic lapses in cognitive aptitude because they remind me how utterly and completely dependent I truly am upon the grace and forgiveness of a loving God for my earthly survival.  These types of mistakes usually aren't that big of a deal and don't require much repair.  They're just not smart.  However, sometimes they give me serious pause and beg some kind of explanation that simply cannot be met with the token hearkening to being "human".  Like today, for example. It is the first day off of school for the boys' Spring Break.  I woke up in a happy, energetic mood, ready to take on the role of mother-of-the-pack.  I thought maybe I'd take the boys hiking, or to a fun park we haven't yet discovered, or to BYU campus to walk around and grab an ice cream.  Visions of glad and grateful children played through my mind as I fed the baby, did a cross-fit workout with Talmage, and got dressed and ready for the day.

And then I saw them.  Dark, thick, and foreboding.  Clouds began to flood the sky and darken our house. The mean looking kind that never seem to go away for days.  The pleasant breeze I had noticed outside my window when I woke up decided to turn into high speed winds and by 10:30 it was evident we would not be hiking, or picnicking at a park, or enjoying a lovely day at BYU.  Now, I've done Spring Break indoors with three boys by myself and it's not awesome.  It is doable, but it depends entirely on the mood the boys are in.  If they are cheerful and cooperative with each other, it can be just fine.  But if even one of them decides to throw in the towel and just be a bum, the day is completely awful.  All three of my guys had already shown signs of grumpiness and I was not prepared for awful. I had my heart set on a happy day, and I was not willing to let these sour clouds get in the way.  What could we do today that wouldn't cost much money? After getting some feedback from my oldest, I cheerfully gathered the boys together and announced that we would be going to Cabela's.  We would go climb on the rock wall there, look at all the cool things, and buy some fudge for a treat!  Sounded great to me; sounded great to them.  So off we went.

Now, I had never been to Cabela's.  But Cabela's, I had heard, was the greatest place on earth for everything man.  Couldn't go wrong with a place like that with four boys, right?  Mm mmm.  Not right.  SO wrong.  Talk about boring!  There was no rock wall ( I must have been thinking of Scheels), no sports stuff (why didn't that ever register with me?)...it was just a huge camping/hunting store with an enormous collection of neatly labeled dead mountain animals, which took us approximately 7 minutes to view.  Oh, there was a little token operating "shooting range" of sorts.  That was interesting for about 5 minutes (the score keeping mechanism was broken, on all of them).  This was not what I had envisioned for the indoor awesomeness that I was to provide today.  There had to be something redemptive about this trip.  Oh! The fudge!  That was it.  Talmage had told me how he had gotten the fudge here one time with Grandpa and that he loved it, so we would get some fudge for everyone and that would turn this drive out to a fake wilderness into a success.  We entered the "General Store" and greeted the apron donning employee with multiple requests for samples (to their credit, I will say my boys were very polite when asking and were hesitant to ask for seconds tastes).  The fudge did look delicious, and there was an impressive variety.  The boys were loving their samples and quickly started shouting out their favorites.  Maybe I would even try some! But my enchantment soon faded when I glanced at the price plaque on the far right of the counter.  Could this be right?? $3.50 for one piece of fudge?  Oh...no! Do I make them share? Was I prepared to deal with contentious negotiating right there in front of the clerk and the other suckers customers lining up behind me? Not today--I just wasn't.  So three pieces of fudge it would be.  Raspberry cream, orange cream, and mint chocolate.  $10.50.  Gulp.  But it wasn't over.  No, just as the clerk was lowering the third 2x2 square into the box, she enthusiastically announced their special of the day...If you get 4 pieces of fudge, you get 2 more... for... free.  The sound of "free" seemed to make the moment less painful somehow.  Yes!  I'll do it.  Phew.  I quickly chose three more: cookies and cream, dark chocolate, and moose drool (yes, moose drool. Its amazing.).  She handed me the neatly packaged box and said thank you, politely declining to take my credit card as there actually are no cash registers in the "General Store".  I took the box and looked down at the price sticker on top. $14.00.  FOURTEEN dollars!  Oh. Fudge.  Our walk down to the real registers and out of the building was a blur.  A few minutes later I was closing the back door of the van, looking at my boys inside the car, and holding the most expensive box of treats I've ever purchased.  What just happened??  Did I really just spend $15 at Cabela's...on fudge (that's $14, plus tax, plus a 50 cent donation to some environmental cause I feel no passion for)?  Inside the car I sliced up and distributed morsels of each fudge selection as I felt the sickness of the purchase sink down deep inside me.  It is the day after Easter.  The boys have a gallon size ziplock back at home filled with Easter candy.  There were dozens of useful things in there I could have spent that money on that would have made sense to purchase.  But instead, I was handing out chocolate confections with coma inducing amounts of sugar to a car full of little men who will forget about this moment of indulgence in approximately 15 minutes.

This was an epic stupid something.

But why?  Why did this happen?  I think my explanation to Seth when he came home was that I clearly was not thinking in that critical moment of decision.  But as I've been pondering over this...incident, I must admit that's actually not true.  I was thinking.  A lot.  I was thinking about a thousand different things: "How can I make this little moment memorable? The boys are with me right now on their spring break.  Talmage's best friend is in California.  They flew there, on an airplane. Ashton has been having trouble today.  What am I neglecting with him?  Has he felt enough love from me today?  I need to make sure he gets his own pick of a flavor and doesn't have to share.  But then that means Joseph and Talmage would have to share.  Talmage will feel like he's not being treated like the almost 12-year-old he is, having to share with his little brother.  He has been testing his limits of independence a lot lately.  How can I show him I respect his growing need for autonomy while preserving appropriate limits?  Should I let him pay for his own fudge? But how would this moment be special, if he is having to pay?  Oh, Joseph forgot to wear his glasses again today.  He probably can't read the descriptions on the fudge.  Does he really want raspberry cream? Should I ask her for yet another sample?  Oh boy.  There are more people behind us.  Where's the stroller?  Ashton's pushing it.  That's not good."

As I am becoming more and more aware of my flaws as a mother, I am also becoming more cognizant of ways in which I am improving and growing.  And I am realizing that these little moments of failure aren't necessarily signs that I am failing.  Because every time I do something stupid like this, I learn a little more about myself.  Sometimes those are things I can feel good about; sometimes they are things I know I need to eliminate or adjust.  Today I learned that I care a little bit more about the creation of a moment than I do about money.  And while I may always cringe at the memory of having spent 1,500 pennies on fudge, and hopefully never repeat this mistake in the future, perhaps it is a good thing that my thoughts were thus engaged.

I am a mom.  With everything that passes through our brains in a given instant, sometimes we buy $14 fudge.  And I think that's okay:).

Basketball, Cupid, and a Brand New 6-Year-Old

          I love February.  I love that my boys don't mind Valentine's day and that I get to finally bring some pink into the house without complaint!  I love that we are in the throes of basketball calendar chaos and I get to watch my boys display their developing coordination and physical prowess several times a week.  I love that its the kick off of birthday season.  And I love that I get to bake without guilt...because there must be treats in February, right?
         
          So first, basketball...(please forgive my poor action shot photography.  Still getting used to our camera.)

Talmage making one of his three-point shots in his tournament game.  He was 5 for 7 at the three point line!

MVP: Talmage!!With about 2 minutes left in the game, the coach let him rest for the first time in the game.  He was the high scorer with over 20 points!  In this picture he was receiving a robust applause from the crowd:)

Ashton is the best defender I think I've ever seen in Jr. Jazz.  Up until 6th grade, the boys are given wristbands that assign them to the person they will guard on the other team.  No one wanted Ashton to guard them, he was so good!  

He was also awesome at eyeing the court and passing to open players.  Just wish more or the kids got a hold of that concept;)

On a whim, Talmage decided to enter a shooting competition.  Each player got 60 seconds to make as many shots as they could, accumulating extra points for making baskets from predesignated spots on the court.  After two rounds, the top two scorers moved on to a regional tournament on March 9th.  With a close 2nd place finish, guess who gets to go!!

           So, on to Valentine's day...

First, a little something I made for Seth's card...(cue the chorus of "Awww"s)

Sweet Emery was so cooperative for this little shoot...I got about 5 minutes worth of fuss-free photos:)

    And then the boys Valentines...

This year, I decided to simplify and just gave them one of their favorite treats with their Valentines...cake balls! 

And their favorite muffins for breakfast...Chocolate chip with strawberry glaze.  

     Each of the boys were full participants in their class Valentines preparations.  Usually it is just me putting together the token spider man/sports/car themed store-bought 4"x3" cards with lollipop inserts.  But this year included an unprecedented interest in the entire affair, as each of the boys currently have well developed crushes on specific girls in their classes.  So for several days prior to the big day, I found them hauling out my paper supplies and attempting to make their own special creations for their girls, each with very forward messages.  Ashton's was my favorite: "Dear Kelsie, You are so nice.  You are pretty.  I like you.  Love, Ashton"  Wow! Now that's bravery! (Side bar: Talmage's crush has since fizzled out.  It seems we were right when we advised him not to buy into the whole, "I like you" declaration thing that apparently is this 6th grade generation's way of "going out".  He told us that the next day at school was "super awkward" and both of them wanted to go back to being "just friends".)

I was lucky enough to help out during this little event gem: Talmage's class dance party...

The awkwardness was as palpable as the B.O. wafting through the air...But no worries, Talmage was as cool as a BYU football player at a Middle School Assembly.  Or at least we'll let him think that;)

And finally, our sweet Joseph turns 6!  I decided this year to break out my inner super mom and throw a "for real" birthday party.  With a theme even!  And cupcakes! (I know, it is sad that this was so new to me.)

Yes, that is indeed 6 pair of extra little boy shoes:).

When each boy arrived he was given a personalized pair of eye blacks (or black eye patch thingies, if you're sports inept like me) to wear.  Brilliant, huh?  Wish I could claim it.  It was Seth's idea.  The boys thought it was pretty cool.  And Joseph had such a fun time! He won all the contests we had, so all the prizes went to 2nd place finishers.  (Yes, I had just one prize per game.  Insensitive?  I took a chance.  They did all get treat bag at the end...does that make it okay?)  Joseph was such a good little host, very polite and a great friend to all his guests.  I felt so happy to see him so excited.  It made the headache after worth it;).

          As fun as it was to host a lively pack of 6-year-olds, I always love the more subdued family celebrations that have become a cherished tradition in our home...This year Joseph chose BBQ chicken pizza and oranges for dinner and an Oreo cake for dessert.

Oh!  I almost forgot something else that happened in February.  This won't require much commentary.  Words aren't really that necessary...Enjoy:

Talmage in make-up.  You're welcome.

         

Christmas and a New Year's resolution

So...blogging is new for me.  I feel about as comfortable with this practice as I do when one of my children asks me a question like, "Did Jesus make the dinosaurs when he made the animals, or were they here on the earth before that?"  Ikes.  Nevertheless, I am going to dive into this unknown world of creative personal documentation and hope that ennui does not ensue for the reader too quickly.  I do know that at least one person will not be bored.  Talking about and sharing adorable pictures of my kids and husband is one of the greatest delights of my life:).  Therefore, I have resolved this year to post something at least once a month...pitiful by most standards I know, but for me will be quite monumental. I give permission to scold me if this does not actually happen.

For this first post I will try to allow the pictures to tell the story, though you can plan on me interjecting a bit of commentary:)  Oh, and I promise most entries will not be this horrifically long. 

 We couldn't resist with this picture.  It just had to be taken.

 Talmage went to his very first boy/girl party (can this really be happening?)!!  Each of the kids brought an old sweater and they decorated them to create "ugly" sweaters for their class Christmas party.  So my son looked like a Dr. Seuss character for a day. 

 Upon my request, we went bowling for my birthday.  Not because I particularly love bowling (I think I bowled about a 69.  Its sad how awful I am), but because the boys had been begging to go and Seth and I needed a re-do from our last experience bowling with them (February 2009.  FatCats Provo.  Seth's first "activity" with the boys. It didn't go well).  This time it was a fantastic success!

 My favorite thing about my birthday is receiving my children's special offerings.  I treasure them:).

 And of course, Seth's cards<3.  Letters and notes from my guys--its really all I ever want:).

  Me and Seth by "our" tree.  Poor man was so sick, but still made my day special.  He's definitely my favorite:).

December 23, 2012. The boys favorite thing: our annual after-church-picture-by-the-tree.

On to Christmas Eve!  Seth and the boys worked on creating their gingerbread masterpieces while I prepared for our Christmas Eve international feast.

Joseph's creation.

 Seth's cute little Christmas cottage:

 Talmage's.  Of course.

 

And Ashton's:)

Deliciousness: Japanese Gyosa, Swedish meatballs, Finnish Marja Purro, English lemon spread with scones, and some very American bacon wrapped mini sausages...and veggies:).  Its our favorite meal of the year.

 We were lucky to have Devin with us for Christmas this year.  Not only was it nice to have an in-house photographer, but his presence always seems to add en extra element of fun for the boys that can't be duplicated.

Pajamas...And Emery's first gift opening!

Disclaimer: the footie pj's for Talmage were his idea. mostly;)

 Our glorious Christmas tree...at 2:00a.m.

The start of a new tradition: our hiding hippo:)

Christmas morning!

Merry Christmas, sweet baby!!

And one final surprise after breakfast: a room full of game tables!

Talmage was a little overcome by his excitment.

Christmas day was wonderful and lovely. It was extra special for us to have Grandma and Grandpa Barrus and Devin with us for Christmas dinner.  

And of course, what would a seemingly endless selection of Christmas photos be without a picture of a ham?

 

     Christmas is always the most special time of year for me.  There is a sacredness to Christmas Eve and Christmas day for me that is simply unmatched.  And this year it seemed that my heart was even more full than ever before.  With the heartbreaking events in Connecticut occurring just days before, I felt enormous sorrow for the families who would be without their most precious gifts, and so grateful and humbled to be able to have mine close.  Somehow the gifts I unwrapped meant so little compared to the looks on my children's faces as they watched in anticipation for my reaction to them, the squeals of delight as they opened their own presents, and the noise and laughter that filled our home throughout the day.  How incredible to think about that most precious Gift our loving Heavenly Father gave when He sent His Son to earth that we might have real and lasting peace.  I cannot express the gratitude I feel when I think about how the wounds of our hearts can be healed when we allow the Savior to enter in and replace our sadness with joy.  I have not lost my children to tragedy, but I have felt loneliness and heartache and I have felt the love of Jesus Christ heal my heart.  I love Him for it and pray that the families of the sweet angels in Connecticut who lost their lives can find that same love and peace.